The Marriage Toolbox: Maintaining Marriage / Abstentions That Say, "I Love You"

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Abstentions that Say, "I Love You"

Sometimes the most loving thing we can do is nothing at all. Here are some abstentions that say 'I love you' in some situations:

ABSTAINING FROM IMPATIENCE
in wanting your partner to hurry up and finish up with a pattern that you deem has been going on for too long of a time. You might think or say out loud: "Enough's enough already!" or, " Gee, that's gettin' old" or, "Am I gonna have to put up with this for the rest of my life?"

ABSTAINING FROM TRYING TO FIX
a problem your partner is challenged with even though you understand the whole thing perfectly and know exactly what to do and how to fix it. Abstaining from fixing it for them is affirming that this is their learning process and that 'they can do it'. You are supporting their independence not dependence.

ABSTAINING FROM TAKING RESPONSIBILITY
for your partner and doing certain things they are responsible for. E.g., making an important communication to another person that your partner really needs to make themselves. By abstaining you are giving your support for her/him to do it the responsible way.

ABSTAINING FROM REHEARSING WHAT YOU ARE GOING TO SAY NEXT
while he/she is talking to you and really needing you to listen not be off in your head or somewhere else. This is your opportunity to practice listening better.

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ABSTAINING FROM BEING RIGHT.
You're 'right' of course, but you choose to abstain from thinking this because your relationship is not about right or wrong but about learning and growing together in a nurturing caring environment. You'd rather be known as loving than 'right'. You'd rather have your marriage work than 'be right'.

ABSTAINING FROM SELF-RIGHTEOUS THOUGHTS LIKE:
"Why should ''I' have to deal with this crap?" or, "I need this like a hole in the head" or, "What's wrong with this person?". You just don't go there.

ABSTAINING FROM SPLITTING
when the going gets rough. When something got to you and your button has been pushed, you abstain from old pattern of 'blowin this joint' for something 'better'. It may very well be good for you two to have some space apart but it must be defined so that you each know what to expect and when you will see each other again. No one deserves the feeling of their beloved walking out on them and not telling them when they will come back. Yuk.

ABSTAINING FROM MAKING EXCUSES
for who you are or what you did. You do not have to defend yourself. You are you.

ABSTAINING FROM JUDGING YOURSELF
as less (you're not). Shows up in word, feelings or inner-pictures like, "I'm not as good as.....", "I'm not good", "I 'm a failure; "I can't", "I'm bad", I'm stupid", "I'm wrong", etc.

ABSTAINING FROM WITHHOLDING
information that could be important to your partner because you are afraid to hurt them or fear that they won't be able to deal with it.

Do you know an abstention that says 'I Love You' that we left out? We'd love to add it. Email us

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